Intermittent Thoughts

I decided that I wanted to start an intermittent blog recording my thoughts and concerns.

I am recovering from elective surgery that I had on Thursday, November 26th. Talk about pain. I ended up throwing up twice in the recovery room and am thankful that I wasn't given morphine, which I found out I am quite sensitive to. After leaving the hospital I found a parking lot attendant at the back of my car. She was about to issue me a ticket because I was 4 minutes late. Of course, we were in disagreement with each other and exchanged words. My reason for being 4 minutes late was because the hospital has a policy where you need to be assisted and in a wheel chair. My dear friend had to go and sign one out for $1 and then she had to return it to the first floor while I waited at the third floor exit. I tried to explain this to the attendant, but there was no understanding there! I ended up calling Impark today and luckily the guy cancelled my ticket. I paid $21 for 6 hours of parking FFS!!!!! Anyways, it has been dealt with and I am on the mend.

Aside from that, I have been spending the past while seeking outside employment. There sure isn't a lot out there. I did manage to secure a job for my friend, but even that hasn't quite panned out yet as the company is just starting up and he needs to do more marketing before she actually gets to go out and photograph real estate. I am keeping my fingers crossed for her.

I think times are really tough out there as I have noticed that a lot of people are posting pretty desperate ads asking for  jobs, donations of food and other items. I wonder how long this recession is going to take to recover? Christmas isn't exactly the best time to be out of work, especially for people with children. I have sent out more than a dozen resumes and have received a few calls back, but the pay was too low to actually make it worthwhile to commute to Vancouver. I am going to keep trying.

Aside from that, I have been keeping busy making crafts. I am waiting for a few items I ordered from the States and China, then I can go full force in piecing everything together and hitting the funky shops around town for wholesale deals. I am a bit excited about this new avenue, but also worried that the items won't sell as fast as I would like. My idea of "nice" might not be the same as most peoples. I have made around 400 resin filled caps that can be used as interchangable necklaces, pins or refrigerator magnets. Some are political, some are focused on tweens and some just have really interesting images that I hope peaks an interest in Vancouverites. As an added decorative element, I have been adding some sparkles and gems, not on all of the pieces though.

I will add images once I get my items in the mail.

An odd thing has been happening for the past 3 weeks and I don't know if it has any meaning. I seem to be seeing a lot of 111's, 222's, 333's, 444's and 555's every time I look at the clock. When it first happened I thought it was a bit weird, but then it continued to happen where I would wake up and feel the urge to look at the time and there would be the numbers...this happened 3 times in one night and I know that isn't a coincidence. I did look it up online and someone wrote a book on it based on messages from Angels. I don't know what to believe, except that it continues to happen and is freaking me out a bit.

With regards to the recession, back in 2004, I started shopping in second hand stores. They were my weekly haunts and I used to find a lot of new, or near new appliances and other interesting stuff. I used to wonder about excess and how we have turned into such a throw-away society. I remember being in line at Walmarts cash register and this guy in front of me was paying over $140 for a bunch of summer junk; stuff like batminton rackets, inflatable balls for the pool, etc. I felt like suggesting that he should shop at the second hand stores for this stuff as there was plenty of it piled up in all of the shops, but no, I kept my mouth shut as it wasn't my business. All I really knew was that it was such a waste of money and more than likely this stuff would end up in a donation bin somewhere in Coquitlam or worse, in the garbage to add to our growing refuse piles.

Another thing that drives me crazy is grocery shopping. We have so much in this country, yet our health isn't all that great. I think the problem has to do with marketing and consumerism. I see so many people out there buying all of the wrong types of food for themselves and their families, most of which are fat laden snacks such as potato chips, pop, cookies, cakes, processed meats and cheeses and of course highly promoted dairy products that don't really have much nutritional value, yet people buy into the hype. Even bottled water purchases drive me nuts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with tap water. In fact, it might be safer than drinking from those plastic bottles that are made out of chemicals.

After I went through emergency surgery in 2008, I pretty much had to change my diet as well as my shopping and cooking habits. Fresh veggies and fruits are great, and even the low or no fat products out there are ok as well. It just takes time to get used to the blandness, but if you work at it a bit, you get used to it or you cut it out altogether. Its like in 2002, I ran out of sugar and decided to go without. It took a bit of time to drink my tea and coffee this way, but now I wouldn't have it any other way.

Aside from that, I am going to try to make some major changes. I have put my home up for sale and actually received a call about it today. I am showing on Wednesday. If the sale goes through, I might try to move back into the city. Coquitlam just isn't cutting it for me. It's nice, but living out this way makes it difficult to get around to exhibitions, functions, talks, etc. I also want to try to get more involved in the DTES community again, either as a volunteer or as a participant.

Well, I suppose that is all I gotta say for today. Have a good one ya'll!

Well, today was just one of those days you would like to forget. Nothing went right. I started the morning feeling pretty great and optimistic that things were going to go well and unfortunately, first thing in the morning I received a call from this idiot passing himself off as a doctor. Thing is, he didn't realize that he had called me a year a go so I was up on his scam. He got nervous and ended the call quite quickly. Then I wasted a few more hours on the phone with this other guy who wanted to purchase some of my collected Native art objects.  I thought I had pegged him as being serious, but I was so wrong. I ended up walking away, jumped in my car and drove off in to the deep blue yonder (smile). Once home I received an email where another deal fell through. Goodness gracious...it just never seems to end.

Aside from that, I am feeling worn out, defeated, and old! I am not looking forward to tomorrow or the next day or the next day or the next day!

Oh, I guess tomorrow will actually be somewhat busy as I am possibly meeting with someone to view my home. I don't have much hope he will buy though as it just isn't the right time to purchase homes as far as I know. There are a number of homes up for sale where I live and they've been up for sale for quite a few months. My only advantage is that I had all of the windows replaced to double paned vinyl. If I did sell, I would most likely get rid of most of my stuff, even at great discount and rent a place somewhere in Vancouver...but do I really want to move back to a crime ridden area???? Not sure, but all of my friends are there and I miss being able to get out and about without having to rush home to care for my dogs.

I applied for a few more jobs today. Don't know how that will go. I think if I do actually find something that pays a good wage, I will put funds aside and use that to do some good for some stranger. I did this the day my Mom passed away. It was only in small amounts, but I managed to give to three strangers and they weren't even Native. All poor and desperate looking. The smile they gave was heartwarming and that was the worthwhile part. They all made me laugh and I so much needed a bit of happiness that day. I spent the better part of it in a zombie state though.

Well, that's my thoughts for today...life goes on as they say. I am going to spend the rest of the night trying to rub out the memories of today.

Take care!

Last year or so I was driving over to Surrey to pick up some ceramic supplies and came across this large structure shaped like a Teepee. It is part of the Timberland Motel and is called the Holy Smoke Coffee Shop (smile). It is located way up on King George Hwy just past the turn off to Cresent Beach. I didn't stop at the time but did make two trips to take photos...once with my daughter Janine and once with my buddy ol' pal, Mary. Who would have thought this type of building here? I know I was quite surprised to see it as it made me do a double take as I passed by it.

Aside from that, today was an ok type of day. I still didn't receive my packages in the mail. I am going to try a different source tomorrow and have them ship it out expediated as I really need the items to complete the craft thing I am working on. What a bummer! Of all times for packages to either be delayed or lost in the mail, this certainly is not good news for me.

I managed to sell my vacuum former to an artist in Vancouver. It was actually really nice to hook up with another creative person. I think I am doing myself wrong by keeping to myself. Well, hopefully that will all change once I get back to Vancouver and I hope that is soon. There seems to be quite a few art studios available for rent so finding a space to work out of shouldn't be that difficult. Tomorrow I have another artist coming over to look at some books I am selling. She is located in Maple Ridge. I can't believe just how many books I have accumulated over the years of being an art student! I filled up 4 large bookcases and still have others scattered all around the place. Some I will keep, mainly my African American history and race relations books as they are always an interesting read, even 2nd and 3rd time around. When I was in Regina, I used to hit the used bookstores quite a bit. I was pretty lucky to get one book that I don't think had even been opened since being published back in the 60s. I started reading it and got to the middle section where I found three dollar bills - they are historical bills printed and included in Dick Gregory's book called Write me in. I made a mistake by placing one of the bills in my wallet though and have no idea where that even ended up. Of the other two, one is in pristene condition and one has a small dog ear, which I probably played a part in causing by not being careful in returning them to the book. It is so cool to have them in my possession and I feel pretty lucky!

I am feeling tired today. I didn't bother to dress up or even put on makeup and I went to Walmart's like this and didn't even give a damn (smile). Maybe that is what getting older is about for the majority of us women. I have decided to stop using foundation too, but will keep applying eye liner, a bit of blush and of course lip stick when the urge hits me.

Oh yah, I showed my home a couple of days ago and I was right...a lookie loo! Oh well, at least it got me to start sorting through stuff and now I know what I need and want to get rid of. I have way too much stuff. I guess a lot of us are like that, but in the end you leave this Earth just the same exact way you entered it and that is without a lot of materialistic baggage.

I contacted a lawyer today and am going to make an appointment to find out what sort of forms I need to file. I am also trying to located someone to step in as administrator. Makes things so much easier as that way I don't have to get in contact with the (blank) siblings in order to get this done. I am hoping that by next year all will be sorted out with regards to my dear Mom's estate. She didn't leave a Will, but then again, I wouldn't know for sure as the jerks made sure they went through all of her belongings while I was at my dear Mom's side when she was in the hospital. That's the thing about dysfunctional families, some are so bent on greed and control issues that they can't get passed what is really necessary. They are so concerned about their supposed share of the Indian Residential School Payment, that they are worried about me locating my deceased sisters children who were put into care. Thing is, I did manage to locate them and have informed everyone, including the (blank) siblings, so now everyone knows where everyone is located and the legal rights of the heirs, etc. This is such a crock of shit to have to deal with, but in hindsight, it is fantastic to reestablish contact with my nieces and nephews. They turned out to be super kind hearted and loving adults and behave the way functional families behave. It's nice to have some sanity and normalness for a change. I know that my situation isn't unique. There are a lot of families broken up because over pettiness and irrational behaviour. In reality, I can't stand my younger siblings because too much crap has happened between us and there is just no way to forgive and forget. That's why I removed myself from their lives. I didn't have a choice as to whether I wanted them as siblings, but I certainly have a choice of having healthy, loving relationships with people and that is where I am really lucky as I have great friends in my life. They give straight from the heart and I know I can always rely on them for love and support, no matter what the situation may be. As they say on the streets, they have my back and I have theirs (smile). 

That's all for today. Take care!

It is almost 4 am and I am about to hit the sack. I watched The Hurricane movie tonight and felt inspired.

I started thinking about identity issues and am hoping I can put my thoughts into words that make sense. Quite a few years back I came to the conclusion that being Indian was a real trip and a half. I think a lot of these ideas began to form when I entered mainstream society by attending college. It seemed that people in that realm had such a different take on what it really meant to be Indian and at one point I actually began to question myself. I used to get a lot of ridiculous questions from students. I guess one in particular happened when there was a bursary open to First Nations students and this white student approached me and asked me if she should apply. She said that she had found out that her great grandmother was Indian, either Shoshone, Pawnee or Shawnee. She wasn't really sure as she said her family kept it a secret out of shame. I had to give my head a bit of a shake before I let her know what I thought. I pretty much said, if you have to ask, then you should know the answer as to whether you are or aren't First Nations! I don't think she applied.

During a trip, this same student decided to publically inform me that I had a choice. I could have been white, but I just chose to be Indian.  YOW! That's what I mean when I say being Indian can be a real trip sometimes. You get these ridiculous remarks coming from left field and they feel like barbs that stick with you for awhile.

Here are a few more comments I tend to get - You are so lucky that you have a culture...My, but you don't look Indian!.(I respond by asking Do I look Danish and English then?)..Can you tell the class about the Potlatch? ( I respond by saying I am Cree, not Northwest Coast)...etc.

From First Nations, I also experience a bit of invisibility. If I am sitting at a table with my beadwork in front of me, people usually look past me and ask my friend Mary if the work is hers...when they find out the work is mine, they ask me where I am from and how lucky I am to have grown up with the tradition...(I respond by saying I'm from Vancouver's skidrow area and I taught myself how to bead after taking an intro course in 2002)...that always get a surprised reaction. But in a way, it just amounts to a lot of ignorant insults that I have to contend with when I am out in public. I don't get it from First Nations too often, but there is the rare occasion it happens, and always when I am sitting with my buds Mary . We laugh about it and I have expressed my frustration to her by making faces(smile). Actually, once she received dirty looks from an older white woman because of the decoration on my coffee mugs that had a picture of a white person dressed as Indian and the text "Real Indians Don't Look and Act Like Crazy Fools". I am very upfront with everyone. If people ask me about my work, I tell them straight out that my current interest is focused on collecting vintage photos of whites dressed as Indians. Some people get it, while some don't.

Some of the other times that being Indian can be really frustrating is when you are being racially profiled while shopping and job hunting. Heck, I even get it when I am trying to cash a cheque for a large amount. I always have to wait until the teller speaks to the manager and once they even contacted one of my art collectors to verify that he wrote the cheque. That was so ridiculous and unnecessary. I have been dealing with the same bank for over one decade and you'd think they kept records of the amounts in the cheques that I have been cashing.    I asked Lawrence Paul Yuxweluptun  if he ever experienced this type of treatment and he said he just didn't let it get to him. The thing is, it shouldn't happen in the first place.

I never really saw or positioned myself as "the other" or "the colonized" before I entered school. I always viewed myself as pretty much a normal person who happened to experience racism and ignorant comments on occasion. I know that must sound odd. I guess, being Indian has always just been a big part of who I am and I never really gave it all that much thought. If you live around poor whites, they are always envious about not having native blood in them. Natives also have a reputation for not being people to mess with. Yet, you step outside those margins and it seems like you become an open target for all of the idiots out there. I feel like I am rambling right now and not making any sense. Maybe I will try again tomorrow once I have had a good rest.

Peace out!

I found a site online where I am able to watch some great films online at the National Film Board site. I figure it is better to fill my mind with knowledge than the usual drivel that is offered up on tv. I got to view a few videos dealing with the dtes's addiction and homelessness problems as well as a powerful film focusing on First Nations women who have been missing and most likely murdered across Canada. It is called Finding Dawn, by Metis filmmaker Christine Welsh. I've also viewed a few works dealing with foster care, identity issues regarding people who are half this and half that...not sure I actually agree with some of their thoughts on the matter, but it still provoked me to think and I suppose that is the purpose of going this route instead of wasting time watching sitcoms, etc.

I guess I should try to get back to the topic I wrote about earlier.

With regards to being Indian and what that means to , I have to say that I have always loved being Cree and being Indian.  From a very early age, I was aware that we were different by the way we were treated or looked at in public. I remember so many instances where white folk used to make nasty comments out loud. I mean, these were coming from adults and their whole purpose was to try to make us feel like shit. What it did was made me angry and I began to dispise white people, not only for their ignorance, but for the way they positioned themselves as superior to us and other people of colour.  I am going to write down a number of these experiences with hope that I can get my feelings across without being judged or viewed as someone who hates white folk, after all, I do have white friends and associates who I really have close relationships with.

I remember being around 10 years old and I phoned a friend who lived in the same projects I was living at and asked her is she wanted to go to Stanley Park for the day. I also asked her if she wanted to bring her younger sister along as I was going to bring one of mine.  She agreed and off we went. We had a great day. We walked the seawall, went swimming, found a mass of star fish and picked one up to bring home with us. Anyways, on the bus ride home, this white man started talking really loud making comments that were directed our way about Indians and how we smelled. No one in the crowded bus said anything to stop this. They were all equal participants as far as I was concerned. I glared back at the man, but it didn't seem to have much effect in stopping him from making such hateful comments.

When I was 17 years old, I joined a friend on a trip to Portland, Oregon to visit her grandmother. While there, we were invited to a dinner that was being hosted by a white family who were caregivers (foster parents) of my friend's cousin. The girl was the same age as us. She was pregnant. At dinner we were offered an alcohol beverage and turned it down. The man who was the head of the family expressed surprise and made a comment about how this was the first time he had ever experienced Indians turning down alcohol. Then he started making jokes about "a nigger in the woodpile" and I didn't get it as I had never heard that term before. I found out later that my friend's cousin was carrying a black child and really felt sick over the comments she was having to put up with. We actually talked about this later and even though she didn't say anything at the dinner table, we all picked up on the racist attitude and could hardly wait for that dinner to end. I suppose our reasons for not reacting in anger was that the dinner was held on the grandmother's behalf and it wasn't our place to disrupt it or cause any problems. We just sat there in an uncomfortable silence. I know I was boiling inside and am pretty sure I wasn't the only one feeling this way. We stayed in Portland for about a week and the cousin decided to make the trip back to Vancouver with us.  It was great. On our way back we had a few other fucked up experiences. One was when we took a side trip to check out the local Army Surplus store as army jackets and shirts were a popular item to wear if you were involved in Native protests and marches in Vancouver. While we were trying to locate the store, this white guy approaches us and wanted to know if we would be interested in making a few bucks. He wanted us to watch him while he jacked himself off. We were so grossed out. We started yelling profanities at him and it must have worried him as he ran off. Then once we were back on the bus, the bus stopped for the usual lunch break. We entered a cafe and sat at one of the booths. I remember ordering fries with gravy and my companions orderered fries. The guy serves us but forgot to bring silverware so I got his attention and asked for a fork. He returned with the fork and made the comment, At least there is ONE CIVILIZED PERSON HERE! Shit, even ordering food, we still couldn't escape the damn ugliness of racism! In looking back, I have always regretted not responding with Yah...and it sure ain't YOU asshole!   

Another time, I was with the same friend on a train trip to Edmonton. Someone had put a can of pop in the aisle and it tipped over and the contents spilled. Of course we got blamed for it by another loud mouthed white dude. He spoke loudly and started saying, It's those two Indian squaws who spilled the pop. DANG!!!!! If it ain't one thing it's another. These types of experiences used to happen on a fairly regular basis. We weren't even near the stupid pop can, but because we were Indian and most likely females, we attracted this type of shit. I swear because I am still pissed off just remembering this stuff.

I could probably fill a whole book listing these. It wasn't only coming from white adults, but also white teens. There was one time I was waling down Granville street with two other Native females and three white guys who were close to our age headed in our direction. One of them called us Fucken Squaws! I did react. In fact, I actually thanked him!  I smiled, kind of hooped and hollered some stupid shit and they took off pretty quick. My friends just ignored them, but for some reason I couldn't. Today, I always react.

That's all for now! 

Well, it seems that Christmas 2009 is gonna be a tough one for so many people here in BC. My girlfriend called me up yesterday and told me that she lost her job...SHIT!!!! She didn't quit, but her boss is trying to play it like that and even dropped a letter off at her place today with a list of items that are supposedly missing from the work truck he picked up on Monday...one of the items he is claiming to be missing is a Fax machine. She told me, who in hell carries a fax machine in a work truck? Thing is, he dropped by unexpectedly and picked up the truck and tried to get her to say she quit...She was pretty emphatic about not quiting and actually won't know until she get paid tomorrow if he is writing that on the form or not. If he does, she at least will have a case to file. Crazy! She usually prepares for Christmas a few months before, but this time around her dogs escaped and got picked up by the SPCA...she had to bring them both to the vet and it cost her quite a bit of money to get examinations and meds for her dog Riel, who is part wolf and about 15 years old. He has been with her since he was a pup and has arthritis and a number of age related problems, but is still hanging in, so as a family member, you do what you gotta do to give the dog a chance at life! Anyways, she is stressing out and I know that this recession has hit a lot of people pretty hard.

I sent the Vancouver mayor and city counselors the pic above and wished them a Merry Christmas...also sent it to Gordon Campbell, but am sure none of them really give a damn about the unemployment situation here in BC.

I'm pissed off!

Found a few vintage images of the interiors of 2 skid row hotels. Compared to what is being rented out there today, they actually look pretty nice. I might try to purchase copies from the Vancouver Archives and colourize them.

Friday evening my dear daughter took me out for dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant way up on Victoria Drive. It had something like 10 different salsas, but while the food was good, I prefer mexican food with hot melted cheese, not the cold crumbly feta style cheese. Aside from that, it was a nice treat and more special was the time spent Janine. I always enjoy her company and her stories. After dinner I drove her home and she invited me in for a tea. She has this absolutely crazy painting on the wall and of course I had to stare. She finally told me the story behind it and we had a good laugh. I won't bother to describe the painting other than saying it was done by my daughter to tease one of her friends.

I sold my ancient bowl on Ebay last night. I was happy to get more than the reserve price I put on it. Last minute sniping did occur, but one of the first bidders won, so I am happy. I shipped it out to Florida today.

Yesterday I managed to locate an online version of the movie Barfly. I remember going to watch it in the theatres back in the 80s with my boyfriend at the time. He didn't care for the movie, but I absolutely loved it. It reminded me of skid row and some of the personalities I saw growing up. Back then it was mostly alcoholics in the hood. The characters pretty much hit the mark. I also youtubed Mickey Rourke and got to listen to some of his interviews. I am so glad he is back making movies as he is and was a talented actor. His life story is also familiar. He talked about not really understanding the politics of acting and got himself blacklisted because of his attitude. I know that when I started out in the arts I was and in some ways still am pretty nieve about the whole game. I hate smoozing and I avoid the whole social scene as well. I suppose it isn't the smartest thing to do, but in reality I rarely find artwork worth the trouble of taking the time to attend the openings. For First Nations art...we got the grunt Gallery...it is comprised of the same ol' same ol' clique of artists. I keep hearing really katty stuff that the artists are perpetrating on one another and prefer to keep my distance. I had one exhibition there and I can't say it was a good experience. The young curator didn't even contact me when she was doing the write up in the handout and got everything wrong. She wrote a bunch of made up crap and when I read it it was like I was reading one of those stupid dime store novels about cowboys and Indians. You have to wonder! 

Aside from that...I am anxiously waiting for 2009 to end. I can't say all was bad. I just hate this whole christmas, boxing day, new years eve, new years day...the holiday brake on trying to get things done.

That's all for now. I am going to grab some clay and attempt to make a super, duper, large scale bowl shape using this plexi-glass dome I purchased awhile back.

See yah!

Not too much new to add today. My friend whose boss is trying to say she quit received her last cheque, but he didn't put down quit or laid off. He apparently has 2 weeks to get this done so she is waiting. I also spoke to a couple of other friends and both are concerned about cancer. One has a sore on her head that won't heal and she is on antibiotics, but they are making her feel really sick. She said she lost quite a bit of weight already and is vomitting due to the antibiotics. Her doc is away for the next two weeks and if things don't get better she is going to head over to Emergency. Another friend has a lump growing on his face and he is also concerned about cancer and due to his age and handicapped condition brought on by rheumatoid arthritis, he is starting to talk about making final arrangements. Another friend actually went in for a breast exam and they found a lump in her armpit and did a biopsy. The results came back as slow growing Non-Hodgkin's disease which in an incurrable cancer. Thankfully, it is slow growing so she doesn't need treatment yet, but shit man, its gotta be difficult to deal with. As for myself, I have been having pain under my arm and did notice a lump yesterday. I am going to have to make a appointment to get it checked out. I have been doing online research and it could be a swollen lymph node. It feels like someone grabbed me under my arms really hard. It is a bit painful to have my arm down and there is definitely a lump. I am not going to worry myself because if it does happen to be cancerous, well so be it! At least I will know and will deal with it in what ever manner I need to.  I hate hearing news about my friends getting sick. No one deserves to go through the whole cancer thing, but it seems to be happening more and more nowadays.

Other stuff...my car just cost me a bit over $300 in repairs. It stalled while I was heading home from Vancouver on Sunday, but I managed to get it started up right away and made it home. On Monday, I took it in to an auto repair shop and had them change the fuel filter and give it a tune up. Of course they found other problems, the main one being a large oil leak and the oil filter that was on the car was about half the size of what should have been on it. I am going to have to go through my receipts to find out who the culprit is. I have a feeling it was an auto repair shop on Clark Drive. Anyways, today I had the gasket changed and they also had to shampoo the engine to remove all of the oil. This cost me almost $200. After I left the shop, my AMP warning light kept going on and off. I hope it isn't another problem (smile). As they say, SHIT HAPPENS...in my experience, it happens when you are least prepared. I have a class to attend until 4 pm today and then might stop by a walk in clinic to get my lump checked out. All they can do is fill out forms for more tests and then I will have to get those done, most likely as soon as the "holidays" are over and done with.

I was reading some articles online and found one about the 2010 Olympics. I can't believe they would actually try to stop the Feb 14th Women's March from taking place!!!! How insensitive!!!! ASSHOLES!!! I am not a supporter of VANOC and am not in support of the games being held in BC. I am not against the Olympics per say, but anytime Vancouver gets a big gig happening, things only get worse for the majority of BC residents who are already finding it tough to live here. Another thing wrong is the Aboriginal arts segment of the 2010 games. I hear they licensed a number of art images and then sent them to China, Honduras and other places to have Olympic kitsch made for the tourists. One business owner was complaining about it, but heck...I am sure if collectors are wanting to purchase the real deal, they will go straight to the source. Others will buy up all of that fugly commercial crap and be happy with it for awhile and then it all ends up in the dump after the novelty has worn off anyways.

That's all for today! Have a good one!

This morning I got up quite early and decided to do my rounds on YouTube where I found a series of a really great interview with Mickey Rourke. He is probably one of the most honest actors out there and I have a lot of respect for him. Honesty isa great trait to have and all of the friends that I have in my life now have that and I love them all dearly just because of that.

When I was a student at Emily Carr, I threw myself into researching contemporary First Nations/Native American artists and this came in extremely handy when I initiated and coordinated a few events at the school. I was familiar with Loretta Todd's writing and filmography and loved her work. I somehow got in contact with her and invited her to give a visual and oral presentation at the very first First Nations Awareness Day event I organized. I felt like a kid (smile). She accepted and that really blew me away. When I got to meet her in person, I tried my best not to show just how excited I really was. I was in complete awe of the woman. Years later, I can actually call her my friend and even that aspect still blows my mind. I had a meeting with her about a year ago and we sat in the lounge of the building where her office is located and I remember having to pinch myself...I was so excited and felt like I was in a dream. I mean, I was sitting there as a friend with the GREAT Loretta Todd!!!! I have so much respect for her. I love her honesty and her caring nature. She is also extremely intelligent and insightful. I guess the greatest trait I saw in her is her humility. She puts herself out there and has no mean intentions towards anyone. I can't say this about everyone I have met. Some are manipulative and don't care who they have to step on in order to gain success. Others are self centered braggards. I try my best to avoid these types. 

Another artist I have a lot of respect for is Joane Cardinal Schubert. My first contact with her wasn't the best of experiences. She basically scared the crap right out of me. I was working on a presentation about her and her work and thought it would be great if I could contact her by phone and do an interview. She was receptive up until I started speaking about the visuals I was going to use. She asked me straight out how I got them and I told her it was common practice at the school for the students to use the copy stand and make amateur slides of works published in books. She actually got quite upset with me and I almost hanged the phone up on her, but out of respect I took all of the punches she threw and I appologized before we ended the conversation. Her beef was that the school should be contacting the artists and purchasing slides for the students to access and I had to agree. Anyways, I do remember feeling quite shook up over that experience. Oddly enough, the next year I really wanted to invite Joane to come in as one of the presenters for the First Nations Awareness Day event and I prepared myself emotionally before I made that call.  I didn't tell her that I had spoken to her the year before. I pretty much just spoke about the event and extended an invite for her to attend. She agreed and then started telling me this story about this student who contacted her the year before and how she really tore into her. She was laughing. I finally confessed and let her know it had been me who she spoke to. We actually had a good laugh over that. Anyways, the event was hugely successful. I had managed to put together a pretty strong line up of artists and that is what made the event. I had invited Robert Davidson, Laura Wee Lay Laq, Joane Cardinal Schubert and James Luna. We had standing room only and even had to turn a few people away due to the crowded condition of the theatre. It was a pretty astounding experience. Over the years I had maintained contact with Joane and then we lost contact while I was a student at the University of Regina. I was struggling quite a bit, not only with the instructors, but also with the whole race issues that make Regina what it is. I think I internalized quite a bit of it and became pretty angry. Anyways, towards the end of 2007, Joane contacted me by email and we began forming an online friendship by emailing multiple times a day. She was always there to give me advice on a variety of things and enjoyed the crazy pics of whites dressed as Indians that I often sent as attachments. She found them quite funny and also disturbing. Unfortunately, this year I received an email from her family members notifying me of her Passing. I remember reading the news in disbelieve and had a major breakdown at my computer. I felt such a huge loss! I still do! (excuse me for a moment)...SIGH! Joane was a person who I also was and still am in awe of and I can honestly say that it was an extreme priviledge and honour to have her in my life. There definitely is a huge void now, but I can think of her and hope that her Spirit knows just how much she blessed me.

As for Laura Wee Lay Laq, YOW! (smile) I got in contact with her before I even entered art school. I was trying to located and contact a First Nations artist working with clay and of course her name came up. I was advised to contact Capilano College, which I did and I left my number with the hope that she would receive it. She called and we spoke for some time. I told her that I was teaching myself how to hand build coiled pottery and asked her for some advice. She invited me to take a workshop with her, but I had to tell her that I couldn't afford it so she kindly offered to lend me a few videos that showed her making pots. I accepted and she so graciously drove to my place in the projects where I was living and we had a good visit. I showed her a few of my completed pots and the first thing she did was place her hand in one and felt the insides of it. It was a bit bumpy, but only because an uniformed friend had told me that the way you could tell a pot was hand made was by the bumps, so I made sure they were present. Boy did I learn different from Laura. She is a master at hand building. I viewed her as a mentor and never tried to become friends, but by chance a friendship did develop and I love her dearly. She became someone I could look up to and taught me so many things in life. She supported me through my difficult times at Emily Carr and the U of R. She was someone I could call up and cry my eyes out to when I really needed someone sane to speak to (smile). I guess if I was to indulge in street talk...Laura always had my back and I will always have hers!

These three women shoot straight from the hip and are all honest, caring, supportive individuals who allowed me to enter into their lives in one way or another. I have been a really lucky person. There are others of course who I have maintained strong relationships with. My best friend Debbie (Calihoo) Coutrelle. We have been friends since I was around 10 years old. We are bonded together for life! My friend Pauline Betchtal, who I met back in Langara College days. She helped me write my first grant and we developed a strong friendship in a very short amount of time. In fact, she really helped me out when my dear Mom was sick and dying in the hospital. I was the only one spending time at my Mom's side and Pauline offered to sit with her while I went home to catch up on some much needed rest. I remember how she interacted with my Mom and made her break into laughter. It was so great! Pauline is dear! And of course there is my buds, Mary Suchell. We met in 2003 and just got along really well together. We often share craft tables and she is the person who people always assume makes my traditional works. Mary is from Merritt, BC and is a shy, caring, reliable and generous woman who I love dearly.

I guess these relationships give me something to be grateful for and I so am grateful! I love them with all my heart!

Happy Christmas!

Oh...just got back from the doctor's and the lump turned out to be a swollen lympn node that he said I shouldn't worry about. He did give me a number to call to book a mamogram appointment and I will do that! WHEW!

My Bad!

I was actually in bed and doing my usual thinking in prep for sleep...happy that the Xmas holiday was finally over and started to think about New Years coming up soon and happy that it would also soon pass. I guess leading up to these thoughts was due to yesterday's activities where I came across a bag of photo negatives that my Mom gave me just before she went into the hospital.

I decided to go through them and scanned a number of them. I was actually surprised and happy to see that one of the negatives was of this photo of my Mom, my sister Sadie and myself at this old apartment we moved to in Burnaby. It was located on Hastings Street across from this hotel called the Admiral. Anyways, my thoughts tonight went from being happy about surviving this Christmas...and soon New Years would be over, which then brought me to thinking about the New Year's eve we spent at this apartment. In reality it was horrid, filled with fear for our lives and violence.

My Mom had this white boyfriend who moved in with us. I think his name was Walter. At first he seemed like a pretty nice guy with feminine traits. He used to like making breakfast and lunch for us and we thought it was funny that he cut the crusts off of the sandwiches and cut them into little triangle shapes. Kind of dainty like (smile). I don't remember him drinking, but I guess there was a reason for that and it all came to a head on that New Year's eve.

All of us girls were still up when my Mom and Walter arrived home around 1 am. At first things were going ok, we were all happy. I remember standing behind his chair and for some reason he put his arms up and grabbed me by the back of the neck and flipped me over the chair and onto the floor. That actually hurt and I don't remember if I started crying or not. Anyways, he just flipped out and started saying how I was always trying to ruin everything. Then he started accusing one of my younger sister's of stealng his money and demanded that we get the keys for the trunk. When we couldn't find those, he got a knife and tried to pry open the lock and in doing so cut his hand. Then he started berating my Mom in front of us.

Mildred got scared and started making a run down the hallway towards the door to try to get help from our neighbour, but he stopped her by making a threat to kill our Mom. He started choking her in front of us and then also began smearing his blood all over her face. She basically just told him to go ahead and kill her. We were all crying and begging him to stop.

I don't know what or how the shit didn't escalate, but somehow things calmed down. Once everyone was in bed, I got up and snuck into the kitchen and got a huge knife and brought that into my room and hid it.  I remember waiting and waiting and waiting...my intention was to wait for him to fall asleep and then I was going to go into the room and stab him, hopefully to death!  I was 11 years old! I don't know for sure if I could have done it, but I never hated anyone so badly in all my life. Luckily, for him and everyone else, I heard my Mom and him laughing and that put an end to my murderous intentions. FUCK!!!!! No kid should have to go through this kind of experience. When I think about the violence I witnessed as a kid, the feelings of helplessness, fear and sadness all return full force. I guess it is no wonder that all of us in the family are so fucked up in one way or another!

When school started up a few days later, he disappeared. I guess my Mom told him it would be best for him to leave and he did. We later learned that this guy had been in prison for killing someone and had just got out when he met my Mom. He couldn't handle alcohol...Happy New Years!...well that one sure as hell wasn't, but I guess in hindsight, none of us were killed that night so we gotta feel lucky for that at least!

I had to get this out...not the greatest story to reveal, but I felt it was important to get it out of my system tonight!

I know I should try to end this with a happy thought, but I am actually feeling quite emotional and need to get to bed...to sleep...as I gotta wake up early and head over to Port Coquitlam by 9 am tomorrow.

SIGH!!!!!

Got home today around 4ish and saw a taped crime scene at the entrance to the Wildwood Mobile Home Park where I live. I later learned that a 39 year old man was found deceased in his home and police suspect his death was due to a homicide. YIKES!!!!! I have lived in two mobile home parks since 2004 and this is the second murder in 4 or 5 years????? What is up with trailer parks??? It's not exactly the way I envisioned starting the new year off. Sad news for sure!

My neighbour Suzan lives on the street where the murder took place...it is called Elm Street...I live on Alder Street...every time I drive to visit her I always think of Murder on Elm Street...yah...I know...it is called Nightmare on Elm Street...kind of weird because I just found out tonight that Suzan has been joking to her friends that she is the Nightmare on Elm Street when they come by for a visit. Suzan lived at the other Park I lived at too and we both freaked out about THAT murder. What happened was this young guy apparently was knocked unconcious and the culprit(s) set his home on fire. His pitbull died in the fire and the young guy died a few days later from the burns. I heard he was involved in selling drugs and apparently had a small grow op in one of his backrooms. What a waste of life! I don't think they ever caught the killer(s) though. I was sitting at my computer when I heard a muffled bang and ran outside to investigate and saw dark smoke billowing out from the seams on the roof. Then a window blew out. I ran inside and gathered my two dogs and car keys, threw them both in the car and parked it a safe distance from the home. Then I ran back and turned off the 100lb propane tank while people where yelling at me to get away because the tank might blow up. I figured if it blew, the whole block would go, so it was best I take that chance and shut off the valve. Too much wrong kind of excitement. It seemed like it took the fire department forever to attend. Then of course, after they got the fire under control, that is when we all became aware that someone was inside. I have no idea how he survived that as the whole place was up in flames.

This is the pic of the trailer after the fire. The hood of his Mercedes bubbled up pretty bad from the heat and the trailer next to it also got damaged. Luckily the couple who lived there moved out a few days before out of fear. Thing is, they never told me anything...no warning...nothing!!! I heard after the fact that they were worried about a fire because they suspected him of being involved in some kind of criminal activity. That park was pretty crazy! I lived there for 2 years and have to admit that it was an eye opener into trailer parks that are badly managed. Thing is, the Park I live in now is supposed to be the opposite. I guess you just never know. I want out and will NOT ever live in a trailer park again as I have had enough of this!

For those of you that are unfamiliar with Parks...most of the people are pretty nice. A lot of senior citizens and a whole lot of white folk who for the most part seem ok! I need to get out though...my hope is to sell as soon as I can and move back to Vancouver where I am more comfortable (smile).

Went grocery shopping for my friend Harold and was pretty shocked to see the swelling on his face when I got to his place. He said it happened pretty fast and it has been tested and cancer was confirmed. DANG!!!!!  I convinced him to let me call his brother...he said he would like me to speak to his sister-in-law instead...so I did that and actually found out that his brother isn't feeling so great either...might be having heart problems. SIGH

Harry goes in  for more tests and treatment on the 18th...he wants me to help sort things out for him...I told him that he needed to get paperwork done to identify his brother as the executor of his estate...this way there won't be any hold up...also gives them both a chance to mend fences. Harry doesn't know much more other than he has lymphoma and no surgery is required. I am just not sure he can survive the chemo and radiation treatments because he is skin and bones right now due to rheumatoid arthritis. I am feeling afraid for him and the thought of not having him in my life is also making me feel quite sad. I have known him for 20 years and we are pretty tight with each other. He is kind of like a Father to me. I never had one of those so I don't know what that is supposed to feel like. But, I would be proud to have Harry as a Dad, any day! My Nuu chah nulth dad (smile).

Aside from me, his brother is all the family he has left and his brother is 5 years older..so they both better get it together while there is time. Their problems aren't so bad. Seems like each hurt each other's feelings and don't realize that. Harold thinks his brother hates him and his brother can't understand why Harold is so angry at him all of the time...so there is the rift.

I wasn't supposed to tell Harry about his brother's condition, but I did and he sounded like he had already forgiven his brother...so at least that is something good to happen out of all of this. Hopefully Harry survives the treatment and at least gets a few more years to enjoy life. He bought himself a 47 HD TV awhile back and he should at least get to enjoy that for awhile longer.

Life is like that...lots of bumps and bruises when things are going rough, but beautiful and full of joy when it is going right.

That's all for tonight. Stay safe and healthy!

I'm back! I wonder if I use this blog to express my discontent more than my love for things (smile).

I am upset for a few reasons. One, back in mid October, I was asked if I could take a look at a grant that wasn't successful and see if I could offer any advice in making it so it would be considered for the next round. I said sure...email it to me. When I received it and read the contents, it became very clear as to why it wasn't successful. It was proposing a project that consisted of "traditional fishing and swimming lessons in a public pool"! YOW! I never heard of that one before. Anyways, I did come up with a completely new batch of ideas for the grant and proceeded to write them in the required format. I did this in a week's time. Then he sends me an email requesting that I take a look at another one he was in the process of writing, so I figured it couldn't hurt. I received it and it was an absolutely blank application except for the project title I had come up with for the first grant. I emailed him and gave him heck! I told him that grant writing was a time consuming effort and there was no way I would be able to work on another grant, especially without payment. Of course I was already aware that the place didn't have funds to pay. I sat with it for a day and then miraculously, ideas did begin to happen and I started working them out and ended up with was what I thought a pretty damn good proposal. I managed to complete most of it except for the society's charitable registration number and also the record of past grants received from the same funders. These areas I highlighted and emailed back to the guy demanding (smile) that he makes sure these were filled out before submitting the proposal to the funders. The due date was November 6.

Ok...three months down the road...I find out that the second grant is actually going to be funded. Yay!!!! That means come April I will be coordinating the project over a 5 month period and people are going to learn some really valuable skills...or so I thought. It turns out, now that money has come into the picture, everyone is coming out of the woodwork claiming to have written the grant!!!! I had to copy/paste all of my email correspondence into a 22 page word doc and send that off to three people as proof...solid I might add...that I wrote the damn thing. I can't believe that this is happening! Why would people want to claim ownership of something they didn't write? It makes no sense to me! Thing is, the project is two-fold...part of it will have an aspect where Aboriginal chefs will give traditional food cooking presentations, DTES Aboriginal participants will also help out by way of assisting with the cooking, serving and clean up and even take over a few of the cooking presentations by preparing healthy and affordable meals from recipes we gather from the chefs or online. The second aspect of the project will be learning how to bead, quill and tuft on hand sewn moose hide items. It's everything I do for heaven's sakes! I have no problem stepping out of the picture if someone with the same coordinating, grant writing, traditional arts skills is available and ready to go as the amount of payment I put into the grant is below most payment standards accepted in mainstream projects. It is frustrating to say the least.

Another issue I am having is dealing with references for potential work. I received an email today from a former employer who agreed to be a reference and she told me that if she had to answer the questions sent to her from a job I applied to, she would have to lie. WHAT????? I am not asking anyone to lie for any reason! I later found out that she didn't know that I had revealed the conflict I had with a program manager at the last place I worked at during my interview(s).  I have no problem telling the truth...I seem to have to repeat this over and over again. Doesn't anyone read this damn blog?

I do NOT lie! I do NOT like liars! I do NOT expect ANYONE to lie on my behalf because there is no need to! Goodness!!!!! Anyways, who knows what is going to happen. I can't seem to get a break no matter which way I turn (smile). I can use my skills and knowledge to write grants and apparently people will say I didn't write the grant. I can apply for work and reveal all as to why I left my last position, and for some reason unbeknownst to me...people think they need to lie in order to make me look good to potential employers. I don't want that! I don't want to get hired under false pretenses. I also don't see what the big deal about having a conflict at work and making a smart and well thoughtout decision to leave because it was in everyone's best interest not to have continuing conflict in an environment that is already fraught with a whole bunch of issues of drug and alcohol addiction, poverty, hunger, anger, frustration, bedbug and cockroach infestations, etc. I did my best to try to resolve and repair the situation, but it takes two to work things out and the guy I had the conflict with had some major issues, some that I think were also related to mental health. He had serious issues with women and apparently his older sister  beat the crap out of him a month before we both started our positions. By the time we started having our issues, his mother was trying to force him to go to Calgary for Thanksgiving Dinner to be with his sister because she was possibly going to undergo a leg amputation. He hated her and maybe the conflict between he and I gave him an excuse not to attend that dinner. I wouldn't put it past him.

So, back to square one. I emailed the potential employer and pretty much stated that one of my references had emailed me back concerned about lying...CRAZY!!!! I emailed two attachments that dealt with the issue(s)...yes...they grew. Everytime we went through mediation he got more pissed off and would do his best to get back at me via his position at work. I made the right decision to leave and no one can make me say different!

Still looking...incase you are wondering! (smile)

Have a great week...honest...I really mean it and don't let anyone else say I mean different!!!!! Oh...the pic above was taken when I was possibly 22 years old. 

Oooohhhhh...they are back! Fugly-ware just in time for the 2010 Olympics!

I had to include the image in today's intermittent thoughts. I am disappointed to see the fugly's return to the market place. It just shows how mainstream mindset doesn't take too well to becoming enlightened...SIGH!

Aside from that...as things currently stand, I have decided to step away from the Aboriginal Front Door and all of the insider problems that place is going through. Hopefully, new board members will be able to bring it around or there will be a much needed change in staff, but as it is right now, I don't have too much faith in either things happening. Once an organization has fallen into a major rut, it's pretty hard to come out of it.

On a more positive note, I am now working at the Second Mile Society's Neighbourhood Helper's Program. Absolutely love the atmosphere and the cooperative model that the program is based on. The volunteers, a very talented and enthusiastic group of people, are encouraged to create their own events. Some run coffee housing in the various SRO's located in the downtown eastside, while others coordinate individual projects where they share their knowledge such as arts and crafts, sewing and guitar lessons, etc. I have never seen such a busy and positive environment before. It is so absolutely fantastic and I am honoured to be a part of it.

Right now, I am trying to get to know everyone and also learn about the various projects that are on-going. I am also networking in order to find out what sort of funds are available out there for Seniors in the DTES. I have been in contact with LAMB, a non-profit organization based out of Los Angeles' Skid Row and am putting out feelers to see what works and what doesn't. I feel so priviledged to be able get back into my childhood neighbourhood and witness positive things taking place.

With regards to homelife, I am currently working on a series of large scale bowls for my collector and so far it is a bit slow going. I have two completed, but not fired. Two more in the process of either being built or in the drying stages and I have one more to make. I am trying to work out a deal with the Surrey Art Gallery where I can have access to their large kiln to fire these works. If not, then my dear friend and mentor, Laura Wee Lay Laq, has offered me the use of her kiln. I just wish she wasn't located so far from me as any move I make will have to be a day's worth of time. I am going to wait one more week and if I don't hear back from the Surrey Art Gallery, then definitely will get back to talking with Laura and see what we can work out.

Down the road...I have been invited to participate in an art auction to raise funds to Aboriginal programming/scholarships at Emily Carr. The auction will take place in Sept and will be held at Bob Rennie's new art gallery located in the newly reno'd Wing Sang Building in China Town. It is such a beautiful space.  I went there for the Inaugural Opening featuring works by Mona Hatoum. What an impressive event that was. I brought Loretta Todd as my guest and was glad I did because she had no problem making her way through the crowds.

Some good health related news I would like to share...I have quit smoking (3 weeks). Not that I was a heavy or even moderate smoker, but it was still a habit and a nasty one at that. I do get urges to light up, but that is mostly habits that I need to continuously deal with in order to continue to be smoke-free.

Oh, I am also on Facebook again. I joined some years ago, but didn't really care for it. Now, it's a totally different story because I have hooked up with people I actually like and also my lovely niece and her son who I like to call "Lil Grasshopper" in reference to his love of martial arts. Too cool!!!

I am hoping to get work started on my home by mid to end of April and will be putting it up for sale once it's completed. I might fall in love with it again, but nah...I gotta get out of Coquitlam.

Have a great Spring!